


Identity

by SunshineScorpius



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: Brotherly Love, Coming of Age, Cute, Demisexual Scorpius Malfoy, M/M, gay albus potter, gender queer james potter, he goes to albus for help, james is having a crisis bless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-05 02:21:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17910143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunshineScorpius/pseuds/SunshineScorpius
Summary: James Potter is having an identity crisis, so he goes to his brother Albus and his boyfriend Scorpius for advice.





	Identity

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This story goes into depth about gender identity and I actually don't have any experience surrounding that, this is what I've picked up on from research, reading and gender-queer characters, so if I've fucked up in some way then I deeply apologise! Just tell me where I went wrong, I am always willing to be educated. 
> 
> But, I hope you enjoy this!

“Al?” James shouted, dragging out his name whilst he banged on the door. From the other side came dramatic scuffling and whispered voices and James tried _not_ to think about the kind of things his brother and his boyfriend were getting up to. Maybe he shouldn’t have bothered them, but he really, really needed to talk to them.

“A little busy right now, Jamie,” he replied and James sighed.

“Please, I really need to talk to you,” he pleaded. James never pleaded, especially to his brother. This was the one and only exception.

“Fine, come in,” Albus’ strangled voice came from the other side after moments of reshuffling. James took it as an all clear and opened the door to be greeted by Albus and Scorpius feigning innocence on the bed. Scorpius smiled widely at him as he entered. He had always liked Scorpius from the moment Albus had introduced him, though he would never tell the other boy that. Scorpius was under the impression that his bubbly personality and love for his brother was what made James like him, and it was, but James was always quite fond.

“What’s up, Jamie?” Albus asked, gesturing to the other side of his bed for James to join them.

“Did you- when you-” to be entirely honest, James didn’t know where to start. He really didn’t know what was wrong with him, just that something didn’t feel _right_. Maybe asking his sixteen-year-old brother wasn’t the best idea, but Albus must have had gone through some kind of identity crisis when he was figuring out his feelings for Scorpius, right?

“Shall I make myself scarce?” Scorpius asked, about to get up from the bed.

“No, no,” James said, maybe too enthusiastically judging by the look on Scorpius’ face at his outburst. Albus only raised an eyebrow. He knew something was up with him, he could tell. _Goddammit, James, why couldn’t you just be normal?_ He cursed himself.

“James, you’re starting to worry me,” Albus said. James felt like crying but he managed to hold back the water works and swallow the lump in his throat.

“When you were figuring you were gay, what did it feel like?” James asked and Albus looked slightly taken aback for just a moment.

“I was relieved when I knew. I spent my whole life not knowing who I was, always feeling on the outside. Figuring out I was gay kind of felt right to me,” Albus said with a shrug, though he had a distant look in his eyes that he always got when reminiscing.

“You didn’t feel kind of lost?”

“I did when I was figuring all out.”

“What about you, Scor? How did you feel when you found out you were gay?” James now turned to Scorpius.

“Oh, I’m not gay, but if you’re asking for the reasons why I think you are, then I was a mess. When I started getting feelings for Albus I felt like my whole world was going to fall apart,” both Albus and James were watching the other boy closely. “I had it all figured out, I would marry a pure-blood girl and carry on my family name like my father always wanted, to make him proud. Albus messed all that up," he chuckled slightly, "and it terrified me, but then it wasn’t so bad in the end,” he shrugged, sending a small smile in James’ direction.

“So, you had a whole identity crisis when figuring out your feelings?”

“Oh, yeah. And it didn’t stop when me and Albus got together.”

“How do you mean?” Maybe what Scorpius was referring to was the same way James felt, maybe he could help him.

“The term ‘gay’ didn’t sit right with me. I didn’t know what it was, but it was just never the right term. I wasn’t bisexual because I’d never looked at a girl in that way, but then I realised I never looked at a boy that way either,” James wasn’t following exactly, but he let Scorpius continue rather than interrupting with a thousand questions. “The only person in the entire world who I’ve been attracted to is Albus.”

“So, you never found anyone good looking?” James asked, he really didn’t get where he was going with this.

“People were objectively good looking, and I could appreciate that, but I never was never _attracted_ to anyone, sexually or romantically. That confused me, I was in a relationship, but I didn’t truly know who I was. So, naturally, I went-”

“To the library,” Albus and James finished off for him, sharing a glance and rolling their eyes.

“Yes,” Scorpius affirmed, only slightly annoyed by the interruption. “And there I found that there was a term for how I was feeling, so I realised I was demisexual, only attracted to a person that I had a strong emotional bond with, hence Albus,” he was smiling at him dorkily now. Scorpius leaned over and entwined their hands, squeezing softly as Albus dorkily smiled back.

“That must have been really confusing,” James said, finally understanding where Scorpius was coming from. But James didn’t feel like that. Romantic partners wasn’t his issue. His issue was that _he_ didn’t feel _right._

“It was.”

“So, what’s going on James? You need to tell us something?” Albus asked, turning the conversation back on him and reminding James that he had come here for a reason.

“I guess I’m kind of having a similar crisis, but not with people, just myself.”

“I’m not following,” Albus stated and Scorpius looked just as lost.

“Okay, so,” how on earth was he meant to explain something he didn’t understand himself yet? “When I look in the mirror, I feel... uncomfortable, like I’m not being true to myself. But I don’t know how I’m not. But, say if someone told me to ‘be a man’ that makes me feel weird. I don’t feel like… a boy. I feel kind of… in between,” it felt like it took him a whole ten minutes to get those words out. He couldn’t look at either Albus or Scorpius as he was talking, he didn’t want to see their facial expressions. However, when he finally looked at them, they weren’t looking at him like he was crazy. No, Scorpius was watching with a type of wonder in his eye, like James was a tricky Ancient Rune he couldn’t quite figure out how to translate, where Albus’ face was _knowing_ , like he actually understood.

“I’ve got to be honest, Jamie, I don’t know what that means. But, I’m really glad you came to me with this, and also, I can help you figure it out. You’re not alone, it’s important you know that,” Albus sent him a sweet smile and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Thanks, Al,” he said, and he meant it.

“I might be able to shed a little light on the situation,” Scorpius input, interrupting the brotherly moment going on. “I might be wrong but it’s an idea.”

“I’m open to anything you have to say.”

“I came across a lot of things when I was figuring myself out. I came across something called Gender Queer, which kind of fits into what you were saying,” James raised his eyebrows, gesturing for Scorpius to continue. “So, you said you don’t really feel like a boy, but my guess is you don’t feel like a girl either?”

James shook his head in answer, sharing a quick glance with Albus, unsure as to where Scorpius was going. Maybe he’d just do that Scorpius-thing where his brain ran away with him and start talking nonsense like he usually did. James could never keep up with him when he did that, but somehow Albus could.

“So, Gender Queer or non-binary is exactly that. It’s got nothing to do with sex or anything, it’s all to do with gender. What it means is you don’t conform to the societal construction of gender. Maybe you feel more like you are both genders - which is called gender fluid, I think - or maybe none at all, there are loads of different types.”

“Honestly, Scorpius, I’m still not following.” James was dumbfounded, that didn’t make any sense at all? Or did it? Maybe it did. He didn’t always feel like a boy, even growing up, but he was one, right?

“Okay, let’s try this a different way because maybe this isn’t what it is, but we can test it,” Albus said, holding up a hand to Scorpius as a warning to stop and let him speak. “When someone calls you a boy, or refers to you as a he, or him, how does that make you feel?” Albus asked and Scorpius nodded beside him.

“Kind of uncomfortable, like it doesn’t fit.”

“Okay, I think that’s what Scorpius is getting at. That the identity of a boy isn’t _your_ particular identity. Maybe it partly is, but maybe you also conform to social constructions of a girl, too. And that’s totally okay, it’s completely normal. Gender is a social construction, after all.” When did his younger brother get so wise?

James thought about it for a moment. He had always felt like this, for as long as he could remember. He had never felt comfortable in his own skin, had always felt out of place with the clothes he wore, and the way people spoke to him. He never thought anything of it, put it all down to growing up and the confusing hormones he felt. But, maybe not everyone thought that. Maybe not everyone cringed when referred to as a boy specifically. He was a boy, he thought, but not entirely. Maybe Scorpius was doing to right thing with all this researching. But, now that he had this new term, what happens next?

“So, I can be a boy without being a boy?” James asked, somehow dumbing down everything the two boys had just said.

“Essentially, yes,” Scorpius chuckled. “You’re a male in terms of your sex, but not in terms of your gender. How you figure out exactly what gender you are is up to you, maybe start with pronouns?” Scorpius suggested and Albus nodded. How did they know so much about this?

“Pronouns?” James asked, once again completely lost.

“Yeah, so a lot of people who are Gender Queer in whatever way they identify as Gender Queer often change their pronouns. So, people will refer to them as _‘they’_ or ‘ _them’_ or ‘ _ze’_ or ‘ _hir_ ’ rather than _‘he_ ’ and ‘ _her_ ’, it takes away the boy/girl construction and leaves them with whatever they want.”

“Huh,” James responded, considering his options. ‘ _They_ ’ had quite a nice ring to it, though he’d have to think about it more. Though, James had to admit that what his brother and his boyfriend had said made sense to him. There was still a lot of figuring out to do, but this time it didn’t give him as much anxiety. And hearing Scorpius’ story put him more at ease. He could get through this, he was James Bloody Potter after all, he just needed a kick in the right direction.

“Thank you, guys. I really appreciate the help.”

“Any time, Jamie. Just next time try not to need our advice when me and Scor are about to-”

“Okay, Albus I don’t need to know!” James cut him off. Albus had a shit-eating grin on his face, laughing so hard his whole body shook, where Scorpius looked very flushed and very embarrassed. His brother truly was a little shit, always had been and apparently, it’s not the type of thing you grow out of.

“But seriously, James, I’m always here to listen, promise. I think you have some thinking to do but let us know, yeah? We’re here to help in anyway possible, we know just as much as anyone how much this kind of stuff can fuck with your head,” Albus spoke, as inarticulate as ever.

“Thanks,” he said again. He got up and pulled both boys into a quick hug, showing his appreciation. Then, James left them both to it and got up to go to his own room. When there, he collapsed on his bed and thought about the conversation.

_Gender Queer._

_Non-binary._

_Gender fluid._

They had quite a nice ring to them, maybe those words were the start of the missing jigsaw puzzle pieces that was his identity. Maybe now, he could work on completing the puzzle.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this! It's a little different from my other works but I thought it was cute!
> 
> Kudos and comments always welcome :)


End file.
